How to Communicate Without Fighting

Titus 3:2 says to "avoid fighting."  This refers to physical fights and verbal fights, such as arguing and quarreling.  Easier said than done.  How do we talk about sensitive matters in marriage without it escalating into a fight?

The answer is not to avoid talking about sensitive issues.  For the marriage to flourish, you must go through the tunnel of conflict.  Conflict does not have to escalate into a fight.  A conflict is simply the existence in a relationship of a disagreement, frustration, or hurt feelings.  If conflict is not dealt with then you will gradually fall out of love and eventually grow to despise one another.  If you don’t verbalize and work through your unmet needs, frustrations, and hurt feelings, the marriage will fall apart.

So again, how do we talk about sensitive matters in marriage without getting in to a fight?  The following six communication principles are the answer.

First, don’t cut each other off.  Let the other person talk.  A person who cuts people off is called a steamroller.  Don’t do that.

Second, don’t insult one another.  Avoid saying anything that might hurt your spouse’s feelings or offend them.

Third, don’t raise your voice.  Carefully monitor your volume.  If you notice that you or the other person is getting louder, stop talking and listen for a while.  If you lose your temper and yell and scream at your spouse, you are training them to avoid all conflict with you in the future.  Rather than revealing their true feelings, they will go into hiding to avoid your wrath.  This will eventually destroy the marriage as your spouse will gradually fall out of love with you, and you won’t even know it and be able to address it.

Fourth, don’t assume motives.  Don’t act like you know why your spouse did or did not do something.  You don’t know their heart; you can’t read their mind.  Assuming motives will only anger your spouse.

Fifth, avoid absolutes.  Avoid saying, “You always leave your clothes on the floor,” or “You never get home on time,” or “I always do more work than you.”  Statements like these are not true and are offensive because they make your spouse sound worse than they are.

Sixth, avoid offensive body language.  Avoid rolling your eyes, making mean faces, chuckling at your spouse's words, and not looking at your spouse when they speak.  These behaviors communicate disrespect and contempt for your spouse and are highly provocative.

These communication principles work, but they take time to learn.  Be prepared to fail at first, but don’t give up.  Keep practicing, and it will pay off.