How do you make marriage work?

In my last post I wrote about my friend who has lost interest in marriage for two reasons.  First, he didn't understand marriage.  Why get married when you can just date and cohabitate?  Second, he didn't know how to make marriage work.  After a nasty divorce that left him scarred and wounded, he was sure about one thing -- he didn't want to experience that again, and his only solution was to avoid marriage altogether.  If the church can just answer these two questions, more people will get married, and more marriages will last.  In my last post I answered the first question -- the definition of marriage.  In this post I will tackle the second question -- How do you make marriage work?  

Recently I was preparing a sermon for my daughter's wedding, and I was making a list of the keys to a healthy marriage.  I had written down ten to twenty keys when my wife came and sat next to me.  So, I asked her, "What is the key to a healthy marriage?"  Without hesitating she said, "Pursue holiness."  I said, "What do you mean?"  She said, "Pursue continuous growth in Christ-like character.  As both spouses grow, the marriage will not only survive, but the marriage will grow stronger and stronger."  I said, "That's really good.  I should probably start doing that."  She said, "Yes you should, because I've been carrying us both for the past twenty-three years!"  We were both kidding of course, but not about pursuing holiness.  That really is the key to making marriage work.  

It reminds of some marriage advice I learned years ago from a counselor named Willard Harley (I can't recommend his books highly enough).  He said that married couples don't have to fall out of love.  He defined being in love as finding someone irresistible, and the reason you find someone irresistible is that they consistently make you feel good.  Couples fall out of love because they stop making each other feel good and consistently make each other feel bad.  If you will focus on consistently making each other feel good and avoid making each other feel bad, then you will fall in love over and over again.  And if you think about it, the best way to consistently make your spouse feel good and avoid making them feel bad is to pursue holiness.  Grow in Christ-like character.

What do I mean by Christ-like character?  The Bible is filled with lists of Christ-like virtues.  A popular example is found in Galatians 5:22-23, where nine character qualities are listed such as love, patience, kindness, and and gentleness.  Keep growing like that, and your marriage will get better and better, and you will fall in love again and again.