Communication in Marriage: 12 Principles

You and your spouse will never get along until you learn how to communicate with each other.  The following principles should have been taught to you and modeled for you by your parents when you were a child, and they probably were to some extent, but many married couples seem to need a refresher.

1. Don't raise your voice.  Yelling at your spouse is both disrespectful and counterproductive.
2. Don't throw, hit, or destroy anything.  This is dangerous and destructive.  
3. Don't say anything insulting or hurtful.  Keep it above the belt.  This includes sarcasm and disrespectful body language.
4. Look at one another.  Give your spouse your complete attention when they are speaking, no matter how angry you are.
5. Stick to the topic.  Don't bring up the past, and don't chase rabbits.
6. Don't threaten divorce, or say that you wish divorce was an option.  Divorce is not an option for Christians, and talking about it is a waste of time and very hurtful to your spouse.
7. Don't retaliate.  When your spouse raises his voice, breaks something, or says something hurtful, that doesn't give you permission to return the favor.  These principles are even more important when one spouse is ignoring them.  
8. Don't cut each other off.  No matter what your spouse says (even if it is insulting or inaccurate), do not cut them off mid-sentence. This is why couples get louder and louder until they are yelling; it's because they feel like their spouse isn't listening or giving them time to finish speaking.
9. Don't play the blame game.  Your sins are never your spouse's fault -- never.  When your spouse points out your sin, humble yourself, admit your sin, and apologize.
10. Focus on actions and feelings, not intentions.  If your spouse was hurt or irritated by your behavior, then you need to stop.  It doesn't matter if you meant to be hurtful or irritating.  Whether your intentions were innocent or not is beside the point.  Your actions made them feel bad.  So stop already!
11. Don't pretend to be a mind-reader.  Never judge your spouse's intentions or motives, because you will never know for sure if you are right.  You are not a mind reader.  You are not God.  You don't know if your spouse meant to hurt you or not.  Focus on how their behavior made you feel, not on whether or not they meant to hurt you.
12. Do not go to bed until you have reconciled.  Okay, this is a slight exaggeration.  But the point is that it is not optional to stay mad and emotionally divided.  Reconciliation must be your top priority.  If you need to get some rest before you enter the tunnel of conflict, then by all means, go to bed.  But then come back together and work things out as soon as possible the next day.

These are the basic communication principles that lead to a healthy, happy marriage.  Can you think of any more?