Dating: Let Your Parents Help You

Dating is much more serious than our culture treats it.  Dating can lead to a premature marriage, an incompatible marriage, devastating heartbreak, sexual temptation and sin, and it can be a huge distraction from your other goals and responsibilities.  Add to this the fact that most people who are dating are very young -- teens and early twenties.  They still have a lot of growing to do emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.  If you aren't careful, you can make some horrible mistakes.

The good news is that you don't have to rely upon your own wisdom and strength during the dating years.  God has given you parents (or sometimes grandparents) to guide you.  But you must rely upon them.  You must willingly place yourself under their authority and ask for their help.  

At my house dating is a partnership between parent and kid.  As long as my children live under my roof, they live under my authority and protection.  We don't treat dating as if it is the kid's business and nobody else's.  We don't give my kids complete freedom to date whom they want, when they want, how they want.  We have boundaries, guidelines, and principles that we follow.  We communicate.  My wife and I walk through the dating season with them so that my children can draw from our wisdom and experience.

Here's how that looks at my house.  First, be friends before dates.  If a boy likes you, tell him that you want to get to know him first.  It's not a good idea to jump into a dating relationship with someone you just met.  You don't date to get to know someone; only date after you've gotten to know them.  Take time to get to know as much as possible about someone before you date them.  Find out about the quality of their faith and character, their life vision, their dating background, their upbringing, their baggage, etc. 

Second, if you've gotten to know a boy and are interested in taking it to the next level, the next question to ask is, "Are you ready to date?"  This is something to both pray about and discuss with your parents.  Just because you are single doesn't mean you are ready to be dating.  God may want you to stay single for a season.  Singleness is a unique opportunity to focus on spiritual growth, school, career, ministry, etc.  Don't date unless you believe God has given you the green light to begin dating.  

How do you know if you are ready to get into a dating relationship?  If you are not ready for marriage, then you should avoid dating (see my blog post "Don't Date Until You Are Ready For Marriage").  This doesn't mean that you have to wait until you graduate college, or until you reach a certain age.  It's different for every individual.  But if you're not ready to get married, then you're not ready to date.  This is something that you and your parents must agree on.  If you think you are ready to get married but your parents disagree, then defer to your parents' wisdom.  If you're parents don't think you're ready for marriage, then YOU'RE NOT READY.

Third, if you've gotten to know the boy, and you want to date him, and you and your parents agree that you are ready to begin dating, then the next step is for him to meet your parents.  It is important for your parents to give you their blessing to date someone.  By seeking their blessing, you are placing yourself under their protection; by discarding or not seeking their blessing, you are choosing to live without their protection.  That's dangerous.

Finally, if you and your parents agree that you are ready to date, and your parents give their blessing to date a particular young man, then date with a purpose -- date to discover if you are compatible for marriage.  The proper goal of dating is to find a mate, not to have fun.  If you're looking for fun, play a board game.  

As soon as you find out that you are compatible and you want to get married, then move forward with engagement and marriage.  At this point there's no reason to slow things down.  A long season of dating and engagement will only lead to intensified sexual temptation.  But before the young man proposes, he must seek the blessing of both his and your parents.  This is essential.  Unless there are exceptional circumstances, if one or both sets of parents oppose the marriage, then it's not the right match, or it's not the right time.  But if both sets of parents give their blessing, then go for it!

This advice may sound weird and old-fashioned, but remember this:  Normal isn't working.  50% of marriages today end in divorce.  So many marriages are failing because people are getting married before they are ready, or to the wrong person.  That's because in our culture young people are expected to go it alone; to figure out how to find, date, and marry the right person at the right time without the guidance of their parents.  But this doesn't have to be your story.  If you will let your parents help you, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary mistakes.