Book Review: "Home Court Advantage"

Parents feel a lot of pressure to help their kids succeed in life, and our society tells us exactly how to do it:  Activity!  Enroll your child in school as early as possible; work hard to give them all the things you couldn't have when you were a child; put them in as many activities as possible and push them to be the best; get them in the best schools, etc.  But according to Dr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist and author of Home Court Advantage, this is the opposite of what parents should be doing.

The big idea of Leman's book is that what kids need most to become successful adults is a strong relationship with their parents.  That bond is the foundation for everything else.  The book is about "the best thing, the most important thing, the thing that trumps placement on the state champion traveling soccer team or a full-ride scholarship to summer tuba camp.  I'm talking about the foundation upon which security and stability are built in your children: Time together.  At home.  As a family (6)."

Leman starts by pointing out the problem, which he calls overparenting, or the activity trap.  Parents are convinced that they need to involve their kids in as many activities as possible.  Add to that the fact that kids spend the primary hours of the day at school, and most of the time both parents are working outside the home.  This means that kids are spending less and less time at home with their parents.  Then Leman offers an alternative.  "True success is built on affirmation, relational involvement, and a sense of belonging -- not on memorizing facts, intellectual stimulation, and never-ending activity (29)."  What kids need most is a close bond with their parents, and there's only one way to achieve this: time together.  To find this time together means that parents need to simply and declutter their lives and make some sacrifices.  

Dr. Leman proceeds to give some practical tips for how you can prioritize relationship over activity in your home.  

1. He begins with the parents.  "As parent, we need to start by modeling a reasonable way of life -- clearing our schedules to spend leisurely time with our families (23)."
2. Try to do more things in the home rather than away from the home, such as celebrating birthdays at home.  This will help your child create a stronger attachment to the family and the home.
3. When it comes to activities such as sports or dance, only allow one activity per child per term.  Avoid the activity trap.  
4. Don't start your kids in school too early.  It's better to keep them home with Mom as long as possible.  He writes, "I recommend you stay home for the first six years of your child's life... Eighty percent of your child's personality is formed by age four, so if you can remain home during those formative years, so much the better."  He goes on, "The best thing for your child, more than educational toys or videos, is a relaxed atmosphere in which you talk and sing to him, hold him, and read those cloth books as you point at the pictures of the colored balloons and the man and the cow (183)."
5. Don't let your kids get a job during the school year.  "I believe there are more important things during the school year for 16-year-olds to be focusing on:  schoolwork, housework, friendships, and time with family."
6. Don't move away from extended family and friends -- and I would add, church family.  "Some organizations also ask employees to sacrifice by relocating.  If yours asks you to move from Sante Fe to Seattle, and your extended family and friends are in Sante Fe, my vote is that you stay in Sante Fe at all reasonable costs.  If you move to Seattle, you surrender a benefit no amount of money can compensate for: the relationships of grand-parents, other relatives, and established friends.  A healthy extended family is a lot to toss out the window for a few extra bucks and a new title on your business card (134)."
7. Live close to at least one set of grandparents.  "My advice to young families is to live near one set of [grand] parents.  That means prioritizing your life around people, not things. Long-distance relationships tend to lose intimacy (209)."  
8. Prioritize family dinner several times a week.  "Make the most of dinnertime.  There's a strong correlation between regular family meals and success in school, better psychological adjustment, lower rates of alcohol and drug use, and reduced chances of early sexual behavior (208)."
9. Allow for plenty of downtime in the home.  Don't cave in to the temptation to fill up every second of the family's schedule.  And don't feel the need to be your child's activity director to keep them entertained at home.  "Children don't always need regimented activities.  They need unstructured time, downtime -- with the TV off, joining Dad and Mom to read a book or on a project together (186)."  And don't underestimate the power of board games.  Leman cites Nick Stinnett, Ph.D., professor of human development at the University of Alabama, who found that “in his 25-year study, which tracked 14,000 families nationwide, he found the happiest families spent time playing board games and card games together.” 

In short, Dr. Leman says that the most important thing for a child's future success in life is a strong bond with parents.  So avoid the activity trap and just be together more, at home.  As Leman puts it, "Don't burn yourself and your family by thinking you're doing the best for your child by investing in everything except time together at home."