6 Commitments of Highly Effective Marriages -- Part 5 | Oneness

Effective marriages are committed to oneness.  I'm specifically talking about financial oneness.  Effective couples are committed to mutual ownership of all money and property.  His things are her things, his money is her money, his assets are her assets, and vice versa.  In an effective marriage, there's no longer "yours" and "mine," but "ours."  Your spouse should have complete access, control, and ownership over everything you have.

This principle is based on the teaching of Jesus in Matthew 19:5, "and the two will become one flesh."  In marriage you must give up your independence, your freedom to do your own thing, and give your entire self to your spouse.  Don't just share a bed, share your entire life.

Financial oneness is essential because money touches just about every aspect of your lives together.  Most divorces are due to money fights and money problems.  Why do couples fight about money?  Because they refuse to surrender their finances to each other and work as a team.

There are three signs that indicate a couple is not committed to financial oneness.  First, you make significant financial decisions without agreement.  Second, you hide aspects of your finances from your spouse.  Third, you keep your finances separate; you have separate checking accounts, savings accounts, credit card accounts, etc.  

It used to be taken for granted that a couple would combine their finances when they got married because there were far fewer dual-income marriages.  The vast majority of women were full-time homemakers and did not bring in an income.  That's how it is in my marriage, so it's not even possible to have separate accounts.  But today more and more married couples are living on dual incomes, and a slight majority (57%) of married couples are choosing to keep their finances separate.  But this is not good for your marriage.  A 2022 study by Cornell University found that married couples who pool all of their money are happier and less likely to break up.  

Keeping your finances separate leads to four problems in marriage.  First, inequality -- whoever earns more will be tempted to have a higher standard of living.  Imagine a husband buying himself toys but refusing to buy some of the things that would improve his wife's life.  Second, fights.  Couples may fight over who should pay for what, or whether both parties are contributing and sacrificing equally.  They may criticize and resent each other's spending habits.  Third, selfishness.  Having separate accounts can make you think that there is separate ownership, which can lead to hiding purchases, or making significant purchases without agreement.  Fourth, manipulation.  "If you don't do what I want, I won't share my money with you!"

Let me put it this way.  If you don't want to share all your money with your spouse, or if you can't trust your spouse with all your money, then those are signs that you have serious problems in your relationship that could eventually destroy your marriage.