Affair-Proof Your Marriage by Meeting Your Spouse's Emotional Needs

One of the best books I have read on marriage is His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, published in 1986 by Willard Harley.

Harley argues that we all have emotional needs, and if the those needs are unfulfilled, "it creates a thirst that must be quenched.  If changes do not take place within the marriage to care for that need, the individual will face the powerful temptation to fill it outside of marriage."

Therefore, the key to preventing an affair, and to building a fulfilling marriage, is to identify and meet your spouse's emotional needs.

Harley also teaches that your spouse has an emotional Love Bank with your name on it.  Each time you make them feel good by fulfilling one of their needs, a deposit is made.  As you consistently meet their needs and make them feel good, their Love Bank will fill up.  The more full their Love Bank, the more they will come to find you irresistible.  In other words, they will fall in love with you.  If true, and I believe it is, this concept is revolutionary.  It addresses why people fall out of love -- the consistently make each other feel bad (or neglect one another's needs).  And it means that love can be rekindled -- over and over again -- by consistently making each other feel good (i.e., by meeting each other's needs).  In other words, you and your spouse and fall in love all over again!

Harley identifies ten emotional needs.  Five of them are common among women, and five are common among men.  However, Harley points out that this is not always the case.  Any person may identify with any of the ten emotional needs.  Don't just assume your spouse is an "average" man or woman.  Study them to discover their top needs and go to work to meet them.  Below is a summary of the emotional needs of men and women.

The Five Emotional Needs of Women

1) Affection.  Ways to show affection are a hug, a greeting card or note to say "I love you"; flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions.  

2) Intimate conversation.  Harley recommends that you give your spouse 15 hours a week of your undivided attention.  What is intimate conversation?  Harley writes, "The need for intimate conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when it meets certain criteria. Intimate conversation is characterized by the following: (1) using it to inform and investigate each other, (2) focusing attention on topics of mutual interest, (3) balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk, and (4) giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other (see MarriageBuilders.com).

3) Honesty and openness.  Harley says, "She needs to trust you totally."  Those with this need "feel happy and fulfilled when their spouses reveal their most private thoughts to them."  These would include, for example, your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, plans for the future, etc.  

4) Financial support (she needs enough money to live comfortably).  For some women, a "stay-at-home-husband" is not optional; he needs to be earning a paycheck.  For others, it is important that the husband be the sole breadwinner so that she be a full-time homemaker.  

5) Family commitment (she needs you to be a good father).  Harley explains this as becoming "active in the moral and educational development of the children).  This is to be contrasted with basic child care, which involves feeding, clothing, or watching over the children to keep them safe.  It means being active in the training of the children, and training which meets her approval.

The Five Emotional Needs of Men

1) Sexual fulfillment.  This is defined as meeting his sexual needs; being sexually available and response.

2) Recreational companionship.  This is defined as spending time together around your favorite recreational activities; being with each other when you are enjoying yourselves the most.

3) Physical attractiveness.  Harley writes, "Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. Almost all of the complaints I hear regarding a spouse's loss of physical attractiveness are about being overweight (see MarriageBuilders.com)."  Harley also points out the truth that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so it is important to find out what your spouse finds attractive.

4) Domestic support.  Harley writes, "Domestic support involves the creation of a peaceful and well-managed home environment. It includes cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, house cleaning and child care (see MarriageBuilders.com)."

5) Admiration.  Harley writes, "Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often."  Harley says that this need can be met simply with words of appreciation, and by avoiding criticisms and rebukes.