How to Get What You Need From Your Spouse

We all have emotional needs in marriage, and if your spouse fails to meet those needs, then you can end up feeling pretty miserable, and the marriage can break down.  In his helpful marriage book, Love & Respect, Emerson Eggerichs teaches how to get exactly what you need from your spouse.

Eggerichs' entire book is based on one verse in the Bible.

"To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband."  Ephesians 5:33

Since the Bible is inspired by God, and since God created people and marriage, He understands exactly what we need, and what we need to do to make marriage work.  In other words, Eph. 5:33 is more than a command; it is a revelation about our deepest needs, and about how to make marriage work.  

So, what does Eph. 5:33 reveal?  Three things.

1) It reveals the main thing in marriage.  In other words, a husband's primary focus in marriage needs to be on making his wife feel loved.  And a wife's primary focus must be on making he husband feel respected.  

2) It reveals what husbands and wives most desire from one another.  If husbands are commanded to love their wives, then it must mean that wives deeply desire their love.  And if wives are commanded to respect their husbands, then it must mean that husbands deeply desire their respect.  In other words, a husband's deepest desire in marriage is for his wife to respect him, and a wife's deepest desire in marriage is for her husband to love her.

3) It reveals how to get what you need in marriage.  God's commands are always for our good.  There's always a kickback.  The reason that God commands husbands to love and wives to respect, is because that is the way for them to get what they need from their spouse.  In other words, how can a husband get his wife to respect him?  By giving her the love she needs.  The more you love your wife, the more she will respect you.  On the flip side, the more the wife respects her husband, the more he will love her.  Hence, the way to get what more of what you need from your spouse is by giving them more of what they need.

Dr. Eggerichs illustrates these concepts with two cycles in marriage: the Crazy Cycle, and the Energizing Cycle.  In the Crazy Cycle, the husband doesn't feel respected.  To convince his wife to respect him, he withholds love from her.  But the more he withholds love, the less she respects him, and the less she respects him, the more he withholds love.  In the Crazy Cycle, the husband's lack of love makes it harder for the wife to respect him, and the wife's lack of respect makes it harder for him to love her.

In the Energizing Cycle, the husband doesn't feel respected.  To get his wife to respect him, he focuses on making her feel more loved.  The more she feels loved, the more she respects him.  The more she respects him, the more he loves on her.  In the Energizing Cycle, the husband and wife energize each other.  His love energizes her respect; and her respect energizes his love.