How to Speak Your Spouse's Love Language

One of the most popular books on marriage is The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Chapman.  Probably the thing that sets this book apart is that it is so easy to understand and put into practice.

The big ideas in Chapman's book are the following:

1) There are five ways to express love in marriage: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and gifts.  He calls these "love languages."  To get better at loving your spouse, do more of these five things.  For a description of each love language, see below.

2) Everyone has a primary love language.  That is, one of the five ways to express love is most important to your spouse.  For example, they may place a high value on acts of service, but not care much about gifts or words of affirmation.  To have a healthy marriage, you must study your spouse to learn their "love language."

3) It is not enough to love your spouse; you must do so in a way that makes them feel loved.  In marriage, good intentions are not enough.  You may be trying very hard to love your spouse, but if they don't feel loved, then it is all for nothing.  This is why it is crucial to discover your spouse's love language.  If your wife's love language is acts of service, then all the gifts in the world will not make her feel loved if you are not meeting that need.

4) We tend to express love in the way that we like to receive it.  This is a helpful way to discover your own love language, so that you can communicate it to your spouse.  If you often give your spouse words of appreciation and affirmation, and you think that's very important, it is likely that your love language is words of affirmation.  However, realize that if your love language is not the same as your spouse's then it will take some work to learn how to love them well.  It won't necessarily be easy and natural for you.  If gifts are highly important to your spouse but not to you, then you won't be inclined to shower them with gifts.  You will have to train yourself to love in a way that is important to them, even if not to you.

The Five Love Languages Defined:

1) Words of Affirmation: These are words that build up; verbal compliments; words of appreciation; words of encouragement; and being careful about speaking with kindness and gentleness.  If your spouse speaks the language of words of affirmation, then they are more sensitive to insults, criticism, and even sarcasm.  

2) Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention.  In other words, not watching TV together.  It could be taking a walk together, or going out to each and looking at each other and talking.  It usually involves quality conversation, which Chapman defines as "sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context."

3) Receiving Gifts: Chapman writes, "A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, 'Look, he was thinking of me,' or, 'She remembered me.'"  He says that gifts are "visual symbols of love."

4) Acts of Service: This means doing things for your spouse, such as "cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning a commode, getting hairs out of the sink, removing the white spots from the mirror, getting bugs off the windshield, taking out the garbage, changing the baby's diaper, painting a bedroom...."

5) Physical Touch: This would include things like "holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse."