Protect Your Marriage From "Love Busters"

A marriage book that has been highly influential in my life is Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage From Habits That Destroy Romantic Love, published in 1992 by Willard Harley.  The book is a based around a simple-enough concept.  We initially fall in love because our spouse consistently made us feel good until we found them irresistible.  On the flip side, it is possible to fall out of love and even come to hate your spouse if they consistently make you feel bad.  And just about everything you do makes your spouse either feel good, or feel bad.  

In his first book, His Needs, Her Needs, Harley explains how to make your spouse feel good by identifying and meeting their top five emotional needs (learn more about this book here).  In this book, Harley describes six "love busters," or common ways that we make our spouse feel bad.  

The Six Love Busters

1) Selfish demands (being a dictator).  Harley writes, "When a request doesn't work, a spouse will often revert to a demand ("I don't care how you feel — do it or else!")."

2) Disrespectful judgments (being a critic).  This is another way to get what you want from your spouse.  It involves insults and criticisms.

3) Angry outbursts (being a ticking time-bomb).  If selfish demands and disrespectful judgments don't get you the results you are looking for, then you resort to angry outbursts.  Yelling, screaming, being physically destructive, etc.  

4) Dishonesty (being a liar).  When your spouse catches you in a lie, it destroys intimacy.

5) Annoying habits (being a dripping faucet).  These can be even innocent habits -- like gum-smacking or biting your fingernails -- that your spouse doesn't like.  Living in such close quarters requires that you avoid behaviors your spouse thinks are a turn-off.

6) Independent behavior (being inconsiderate).  This involves acting as if your spouse doesn't exist, or neglecting the interests and feelings of your spouse in your actions and decisions.  An example would be making a big purchase without consulting your spouse.

Perhaps the most helpful concept in Love Busters is what Harley calls "The Policy of Joint Agreement," which he defines as "never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse."  And when he says "anything," he means it.  Harley says that this policy teaches couples to become more sensitive to each other's feelings; selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts are taken care of because even the negotiating strategy must be mutually agreed to; annoying behavior is obviously eliminated; and it also eliminates dishonesty and independent behavior.  I can testify that this concept has worked wonders in our marriage.  By the way, this doesn't mean that the husband no longer acts as the head (leader) in the marriage.  Instead, it forces the husband to consider the wife's feelings and interests when making decisions.